What would you say to me today --- I can only imagine.

4:20 a.m., July 2, 1996 my father died in my arms. 

It was not the first time he left me, but it would be the last. I have felt closer to my father in death than I ever did in life.  My father allowed me a gift.  He allowed me to be with him when he died. It was not a Hollywood moment by any stretch ~ it was terrifying, amazing and miraculous ~ all at the same time.
Every year on this day I pause and remember.  I remember that day.  I remember sitting on his hospital bed alone for almost 12 hours talking to him, singing to him and praying for him.   I remember kneeling in the hospital chapel praying that God would take my father after spending a lifetime begging God to give him to me.  I remember after he died and I had to leave him at the hospital alone.  And I remember the moment at the open casket when I realized it was me who would have to walk away. After a lifetime of seeing my father's back ~ This time I would have to turn my back on him and walk away. I don't believe the intensity of that moment will ever fade. 

I was a grown woman standing at that casket.  But it was the little girl who spent countless hours begging God for a Daddy, the teenager who was intrigued and terrified of the aliens called boys, the young lady who mistook physical affection for love and the woman who resented every girl who could rely on their father for instant help who walked down the aisle of the funeral chapel and into an uncertain future.

I have long since forgiven my father.  I loved him the day he died and I love him today.  There are no word to undo or fix or change what happened ~ but I do wonder. 

On this day ~ 15 years later ~ I wonder what he would say to me? 

There are so many songs written by fathers to their daughters.  Almost every genre has a top ten father-daughter song.  Many artists have written of the love a father has for his daughter ~ and visa-versa.  But what would the lyrics be if my father could sing me a song now?

I realize it is a daydream and I do wonder what he would say to me.....but then there is always an even more overpowering moment 

I Can Only Imagine.